why my acoustic album may or may not come out on the 20th...
some people hide when they're sad. that's what i've been doing for the past couple weeks, and it hasn't worked for me yet. so. this is a brief and honest account of my current state. i write with the hopes that someone else will feel a bit better about feeling sad here and there. and of course i hope it will take a little bit off my little heart to say it to someone "out loud".
I have no light in my spirit right now. everything is gone. my passion for music. my partner. my self love. my hope for this community, this country. they're all gone. i can't move when i wake up in the morning. i can't fall asleep until late at night-hoping, dreaming she'll walk in my door. I am sick to my stomach, or hungry enough to eat until it hurts. i need to smoke cigarettes, I need to drink. i need to feel better now and worse later and curse my whole body for being here.
but. it's really my fault. and that's the worst part. i've taken everything i had for granted and now they're all gone and i feel cold and dead inside. and i can't seem to convince myself that i don't deserve this. i get to be sad and stupid. all at once.
and nothing works. i don't want to hear any more of that inspirational hallmark card stuff. PLEASE NO. LOOK WITHIN YOURSELF. PRAY. FOCUS. MEDITATE. DO FUCKING YOGA. I've done everything. I've been doing everything. yoga won't do shit for a broken heart. HOT FUCKING YOGA will not keep me from waking up heaving, tears in my eyes, wishing today was next year. wishing that here was somewhere else. somewhere hot and far away and green.
so i wanted to release an acoustic album on december the 20th. i figured i'd have ample time to reflect. to work my pain out through music and complete it gracefully. because i LOVE music. it worked. for a while. until every song started to scrape at my skin. every word was too heavy to carry. i forgot how to hear. it scares the shit out of me, but it feels like i fell out of love with music.
so. seeing that today is the 17th. and I only have four song drafts completed-I may have to push back or cancel this acoustic album completely.
thanks for reading. i hope your day was better than mine.